We as Americans basically live in a reactive state of living - that is until it happens to us personally, we don't worry about life or life's challenges....................the truth or reality is when "it" happens most of us are caught off guard and do not have a plan of action and are truely placed in a reactive state of acting. Trying to plan for the future in the middle of a crisis is not my idea of a fun or enjoyable life, nor does it lends itself to successful planning. There are basic steps to future planning that when taken can ease the impact of life's crisises. The first step is to begin to talk about the later stages of one's life. Not just a living will, but what happens when you retire, what happens when you lose the keys to your house or car. There are three important keys in life: the job, the house and the car. Each key represents major life changes and with those changes comes challenges that if not addressed when an individual has the ability to give input make those transitional stages easier, not easy, but easier.

I know that my parents are reaching an age in their life where they are beginning to lose their confidence in their abilities to perform certain actions that in the past they did so easily they took them for granted. Driving the car, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, getting the house ready for winter, using the computer, are all activities that even a couple of years ago were done without major challenges. For each of these activities they have found alternative options to cope with their ever increasing challenge to perform these tasks with ease and in a timely fashion. They carpool when driving long distances. They have hired people to come in and help keep their house in order. They have been hiring various handy men for some time to assist with necessary lawn maintanence and winterizing the house. The computer is still a challenge so various family members have stepped in when the computer fails and helped to keep my mother connected to her various family members who live long distance from her house.

The computer for me and my mom has meant a rebirth of our relationship. We email pretty much every day. We are getting to know each other in a way I never dreamed possible. I am seeing my mother from a completely different view and I just love it. It's the type of relationship I always wanted, but life and life's challenges have always gotten in the way. Sometimes all we do is chitter chatter and the subjects are trivial and to some may seem non important but to us it's a string in a series of actions that have enabled us to get to know each other not only as adults but as a mother and a daughter.

Keeping the communication open has also allowed me to glimpse into their lives everyday and assess their stability and methods of caring for themselves. My Brother Ken and I then periodically talk about what could make their lives easier and what they need help or assistance with. Ken is a wonderful brother and an ideallic son. He is every ready to go north if needed and he often spends his vacation time with my parents. Now that is not as boring as some may think...my parents live in one of the most beautiful spots in Michigan, Charlevoix. Ken is an avid fisherman and outdoors person, so when he goes north not only does he take care of my parent's needs he also takes care of his own. His loyalty to my parents is admirable and I respect him much for that.

Ken also has 4 children who are the loves of my life. They have grown into fine respectful adults. Well three of them have, his youngest son is still an adolescent but I can already see signs of his fine character and personality. The other three are all in varying stages of finding vocations that are satisfying and rewarding. I am so proud of them and how they've grown up. They also share their father's love and respect for their Grandparents. This means that together there are 5 people who are ready to help out with my parents. It eases my mind and I feel more comfortable and relaxed with my choice to move so far away.

Do we have a plan for our parents? I know they will never go into a nursing home. My brother has said that if needed when he retires in a few years he will just move north and live with them. I'd also like to bring them out here to escape the challenges that winters give us as we age and lose some of our flexibility and endurance. It is hard to walk in snow and ice when you don't have the energy to walk on bare pavement. I know that my parents will need support getting their groceries and other supplies. They still feel confident driving in town and when the town empties out for winter it is much easier for them to navigate and get to where they want to go. We also have many cousins in town who share our respect for my parents who will help them out in a second. I don't think it will be necessary to take away the keys - for the house or the car. They have given up their keys for work and are sure to give up keys to the car when it is necessary. They will live in their house until it is time for them to leave this world and enter into the next segment of their lives.

So do we have a plan? Not exactly but we have talked about the situation and we keep the lines of communication open so that no topic is too difficult to discuss. I believe those are good first steps in caring for my parents when their ability to care for themselves is no more.