David's letter to me

We as Americans basically live in a reactive state of living - that is until it happens to us personally, we don't worry about life or life's challenges....................the truth or reality is when "it" happens most of us are caught off guard and do not have a plan of action and are truely placed in a reactive state of acting. Trying to plan for the future in the middle of a crisis is not my idea of a fun or enjoyable life, nor does it lends itself to successful planning. There are basic steps to future planning that when taken can ease the impact of life's crisises. The first step is to begin to talk about the later stages of one's life. Not just a living will, but what happens when you retire, what happens when you lose the keys to your house or car. There are three important keys in life: the job, the house and the car. Each key represents major life changes and with those changes comes challenges that if not addressed when an individual has the ability to give input make those transitional stages easier, not easy, but easier.

I know that my parents are reaching an age in their life where they are beginning to lose their confidence in their abilities to perform certain actions that in the past they did so easily they took them for granted. Driving the car, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, getting the house ready for winter, using the computer, are all activities that even a couple of years ago were done without major challenges. For each of these activities they have found alternative options to cope with their ever increasing challenge to perform these tasks with ease and in a timely fashion. They carpool when driving long distances. They have hired people to come in and help keep their house in order. They have been hiring various handy men for some time to assist with necessary lawn maintanence and winterizing the house. The computer is still a challenge so various family members have stepped in when the computer fails and helped to keep my mother connected to her various family members who live long distance from her house.

The computer for me and my mom has meant a rebirth of our relationship. We email pretty much every day. We are getting to know each other in a way I never dreamed possible. I am seeing my mother from a completely different view and I just love it. It's the type of relationship I always wanted, but life and life's challenges have always gotten in the way. Sometimes all we do is chitter chatter and the subjects are trivial and to some may seem non important but to us it's a string in a series of actions that have enabled us to get to know each other not only as adults but as a mother and a daughter.

Keeping the communication open has also allowed me to glimpse into their lives everyday and assess their stability and methods of caring for themselves. My Brother Ken and I then periodically talk about what could make their lives easier and what they need help or assistance with. Ken is a wonderful brother and an ideallic son. He is every ready to go north if needed and he often spends his vacation time with my parents. Now that is not as boring as some may think...my parents live in one of the most beautiful spots in Michigan, Charlevoix. Ken is an avid fisherman and outdoors person, so when he goes north not only does he take care of my parent's needs he also takes care of his own. His loyalty to my parents is admirable and I respect him much for that.

Ken also has 4 children who are the loves of my life. They have grown into fine respectful adults. Well three of them have, his youngest son is still an adolescent but I can already see signs of his fine character and personality. The other three are all in varying stages of finding vocations that are satisfying and rewarding. I am so proud of them and how they've grown up. They also share their father's love and respect for their Grandparents. This means that together there are 5 people who are ready to help out with my parents. It eases my mind and I feel more comfortable and relaxed with my choice to move so far away.

Do we have a plan for our parents? I know they will never go into a nursing home. My brother has said that if needed when he retires in a few years he will just move north and live with them. I'd also like to bring them out here to escape the challenges that winters give us as we age and lose some of our flexibility and endurance. It is hard to walk in snow and ice when you don't have the energy to walk on bare pavement. I know that my parents will need support getting their groceries and other supplies. They still feel confident driving in town and when the town empties out for winter it is much easier for them to navigate and get to where they want to go. We also have many cousins in town who share our respect for my parents who will help them out in a second. I don't think it will be necessary to take away the keys - for the house or the car. They have given up their keys for work and are sure to give up keys to the car when it is necessary. They will live in their house until it is time for them to leave this world and enter into the next segment of their lives.

So do we have a plan? Not exactly but we have talked about the situation and we keep the lines of communication open so that no topic is too difficult to discuss. I believe those are good first steps in caring for my parents when their ability to care for themselves is no more.

I recently watched the movie “the Secret.” I was mesmerized by the stories related during the course of the movie. I was very encouraged by the message given and repeated during the stories told. If you want something put the thoughts out in the universe and if repeated and held stable those thoughts will become action and thus reality or something like that. I saw noted philosophers, writers, theologians, entrepreneurs, etc all animatedly relate that their thoughts had become action. Some wished for money, a specific amount, which after a short amount of time through some action they took was deposited into their bank account. Others thought about the house of their dreams even going so far as cutting out a picture from a magazine pinning it to a cork board and months later buying the same house without realizing it until the cork board was unpacked and removed from it’s box and the picture revealed.

The movie also related that the laws of attractions work the opposite was as well. If you constantly have images of negativity or negative interactions your life would be surrounded by those same negative actions or interactions. Moreover, most of us tend to focus on what is missing in our lives rather than that which we wish to manifest. To some, these messages from this movie, might seem like claptrap or gobblygook, something to be discarded and dismissed as merely perpetuating the theory of “blaming the victim.” Those of us who fall victim to disease or injury have brought these disasters upon ourselves through our incessant thoughts.

I am reminded of my good friend David who contracted Hiv in the middle 1980’s. Back then, David and I and a close group of friends who had become family, used to read about how we attract certain happenings by our thoughts or behavior. We believed at first that if David had focused on gettting AIDS causing him to contract it, then conversely if he focused on health he would rid himself of this insidious virus and be healed. Unfortunately, David could not focus on good health sufficient enough and in the early 90’s he was diagnosed from Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and eventually died after the disease ravaged his body. I was angry with him for his failure to conjecture good health. With his death, he robbed me of a friendship I wanted to enjoy for the rest of my life. I really had to work hard to let go of my anger, finally convincing myself that yes, the good do die young and for David that was especially true. He was truly a good person who after his diagnosis, treated his friends with respect and loyalty. We became his family and subsequently, he our family member. He moved into my house and lived with me until he had quit drinking, smoking and began to look and feel quite healthy. He met his soulmate and moved in with him – together they had 5 years of happiness, David enjoying a very healthy relationship with his partner. His partner became part of our family and we spent much time together. We met and played board games, laughing at our own competitiveness, and bantering that accompanied our evenings of fun. We enjoyed activities such as canoe and camping trips. One memorable trip was one so dangerous that we were ecstatic to have lived to tell about it!

I remember the laughter and pure love in the form of priceless memories that became etched in our hearts and souls. Our times of solemn reflection were few but very intense, yet fleeting and often forgotten quickly. We did not dwell upon David’s fatal illness; but rather, we focused on David’s new found health and wellness. We were grateful for the gift of time that had us savor every moment together. We learned to see life as a gift and for a brief time, we lived in the present. We truly believed that David had thought himself well. After all, we all had read and heard of the miraculous stories wherein people who had contracted terminal illnesses and survived in spite of all medical prognostics. Moreover, many of these walking miracles had completely rid their bodies of any signs of their previous illness.

We believed and hoped with all our might, that our love and pure belief systems would prevail; and that we would live the rest of our lives in a state of happiness and contentment that was apparent when we were together. What I realize now is that David was addicted to alcohol and other substances. And it’s the influence of his addictive behavior that lead him down a path of wreckless, uninhibited behavior that eventually took his life. David, long forgiven, was in the throes of an active addiction. It is important for me to realize that it was not his unwavering support system that failed. Nor was it the healthy habits he developed such as good nutrition and routine, rigorous exercise that contributed to his demise. Rather, is was his lack of confidence in himself, his low self-esteem and lack of worthiness that served as an antecedent to his active drug use and subsequent use of wreckless sex as a temporary salve.

Sometimes our thoughts lead us down paths that are irreversible. We can’t undo the damage done, we can just learn to live with our human experiences and make the best of it. I was with David when he received his life changing diagnosis. Both of us feared the results knowing that his recent bout of Hepatitis B was indicative of the dangers of unprotected sex and that HIV+ was a real possibility. When we came out of the office after the two of us stood stunned at the results read to us by a technician, uncertain of what our reactions would be we just stared at the floor awaited the elavator to carry us to where our car was parked. I remember feeling numb, not knowing what words I could possibly use to ease his fears (and mine)… I finally just hugged him and said this is trite and unimaginative but David let this be the first day of the rest of your life. Use this information to prod yourself into healthy life changes that you have told me repeatedly you wanted to shift. (David had admitted addictions to alcohol and had attended AA with me several times, but to date had been unable to quit drinking and had admitted later in his life that his use of alcohol had a direct impact on his contraction of AIDS.) We spent the rest of that day holding each other – often sobbing uncontrollably as the reality of his diagnosis sunk into our brains. For the first time in my life I faced death with someone I could not imagine living without. I told him that all the tests revealed was information about something inside his body; that diagnostics were neither a sureshot predictor of his life or death. I did not know what fate or changes may be going on in my body that may change the course of my life. Together, we plotted out a course of action that would increase his ability to care for himself. He needed to move out of his destructive living arrangements knowing that this environment had directly contributed to his continued use of alcohol and drugs. I told him he could move in with us. We talked about healthy life choices. He knew he also needed to quit smoking, begin a reliable exercise routine and eat healthy foods. He talked about the need to go to AA on a continuous basis. He knew that individual therapy would only augment his group work and further provide a fertile enviroment to explore the impetus of his drinking, drugging and dangerous sexual behavior total disregard for his health or his future.

Slowly, step by step, David put into play his plan for recovered health: subsequently, he moved into our house. He quit drinking and smoking and committedly attended AA. He began to look for a therapist – going through several before he could find someone who could help him find and keep his path towards sobriety and recovery. He longed to find someone to be in a relationship that was healthy and happy... someone without addiction. After a lot of personal recovery, David met his life partner and they began to talk about a life together. His love for this man was furthered by his love for himself and his willingness to explore his inner demons. They eventually moved in together and lived the life of David’s dreams. He was happy. He was temporarily healthy, although he was constantly reminded of the disease growing larger in his body. His symptoms slowly began to increase. He came down with a case of genital warts probably laying dormant until his immune system depleted to a level allowing them to flourish and spread through out his body. The warts appeared not only in his genital area but also all over his face around his mouth and neck area. Removal was painful and futile – as fast as they were removed they grew back larger and more fierceful than ever. His t-cell count went up and down – when it went down the warts wreaked havoc on his body. When they went up he experienced fairly good health and enjoyable life. From the start, his lymph nodes became hard as rocks and never decreased in size or texture. They were always painful and along with the warts were a constant reminder that his HIV+ status could progress at any time to full blown AIDS. David became sick just before ACT became the drug of choice to help those inflicted with this disease fight off the opportunistic diseases that so often accompanied it’s diagnosis. David faithfully took his medication believing both aloud and silently that they were his hope and his pathway to full recovery. The famous cocktail of drugs now available and for some quite successfully fighting the virus were not yet approved for all to take. Some were given the cocktails who were faced with no other course of treatment. The side effects were disasterous for some and often more devastating than the virus itself.

When David began to complain of severe pains in his back we thought he’d pulled a muscle exercising. He’d been lifting weights for sometime hoping to build the strength he’d need to fight the virus. When the pain did not go away and his t-cell count dropped suddenly we were still hopeful that whatever was causing this, David would be able to fight and ward off. When the diagnosis of Non Hodgkin’s lymphoma came in we were devastated – I knew that it was a dangerous and life threatning turn of events. David and his partner remained optomistic reading that the disease was not as easy to cure as Hodgin’s lymphoma but was cureable with current chemo and radiation treatments. The prognosis of life from diagnosis was 5 years. They focused on that and lived their life as if they had a full lifetime left together. They looked at new houses in order to actualize David’s long held and coveted dream. While his dreams actualized, the virus relentlessly ravaged his body. He did not react well to the chemo, the pain of the cancer was constant.

Soon after David was diagnosed with lymphoma, he went into a photo studio and had his portrait taken professionally. He wanted us to remember him healthy and happy. The picture was beautiful and portrayed David so well. We were all pleased with the photo. I also knew that David realized that recovery may not be possible and the picture was a last attempt to erase from our memories his upcoming health decline accompanied with the physical devastation of his body. I still have pictures of him shortly before his death. The chemo was unsuccessful; the cancer took on a life of its own as it spread to each of his vital organs. His now, beautifully sculptured physique and handsome face began to wallow. He died surrounded by family and friends.

I talked to him the night before he passed away. He was still lucid enough to know who I was and able to respond, "I love you too, Colleen" when I told him I loved him and would see him again when I transitioned to spirit energy. His death was peaceful in contrast to the struggles of the last two years of life colored with illness, medical treatment, hospitals, needles, medicine and steady decline. His funeral tore each of us apart – we, his family of friends who called ourselves the Breakfast Club – tried to find words to describe the lost of his earthy presence, the end of our physical contact, the loss of hearing his rich deep voice, the beautiful music he made forever etched in the memories we held so tight. We cried and fought the anxiety that overcame us when we let the effects of his death sink in. We tried to ease our pain by doing a square for the AIDS quilt. Each of us took a favorite theme of his and painted sewed or drew our love for him through pictures and images of things he loved. We gathered together for a picture as the square added to the large quilt was on display in our home town. The rest of the Breakfast Club, eventually minus his life partner, continue to gather together periodically revisting the good times we had together. Today, we make new memories of our friendship and companionship shared by all 4 of us. I still miss David – do I blame him for not having perfected his thought processes in order to stop the disease process? Not anymore. I know that David did his best to recapture his health. I know that we did our best to support and love him in a way that would facilitate positive feelings and images. My only regret is that I wished that David and I had known The Secret back then…it simply was not to be at that time.